Matt and I have been trying to have a baby for a year now. A few weeks ago I took some at home pregnancy tests after missing my period. Both of the tests came out positive. I was so excited, I wanted to tell the whole world but I also wanted to be absolutely sure so I met up with my doctor and his test came out positive too! Oh my jow was over filling, I was pregnant! I was a mom! I rushed home to tell Matt. We both cried and hugged, overwhelemed with our excitement to bring a child into this world. The next day we told our friends and family, everyone was so excited and our happiness doubled over every time we spread the news. The next day, Saturday, I went to work, so hopeful and excited for what lay in store for us and our little one. By now I had bought a journal to write to our baby about every step of their life as well as head phones so I could play them music to help them grow.
That was all the time I had with my baby. From Monday of my first at home pregnancy test to Saturday around 5pm.
That was really hard to re-live and remind myself of what all I went through in 6 days, just so you're aware.
Now, I'm going to get very serious and down to earth. I feel in order to raise awareness of pregnancy and infant loss the full facts must be discussed. If you are squeamish or do not wish to know that much about me, I would suggest leaving now. If you want to know what an early miscarriage is like which everyone could use some insight into, please read, I really want you to.
Around 5:00 pm I began to have spotting as well as passing what looked like blood clumps/clots. Worried, I told Matt and watched my body carefully. My back had been hurting a lot that day and once the spotting occurred, I realized it was cramping. When I got home not much later, I checked again. I had bright red blood now. Frightened, I took another at home pregnancy test. It said "Not Pregnant."
Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the first step of grief: denial.
At the sight of this, Matt and I both began to cry. My crying did not end there, I began to yell "NO!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!" over and over again while I punched absent mindedly at Matt. This was truly a moment I never want to relive. The amount of sadness and anger, denial, shock, fear, regret, and horror I had was unreal. We had JUST told everyone! Yesterday! I threw the pregnancy test in such intense anger, screaming this time. "NO!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't know how I would have gotten through any of this without my wonderful husband. He is my rock.
Now at this point we had not been able to visit the doctor, seeing it was the weekend. We decided after getting the anger, frustration, and denial out that it would be best to assume we were still pregnant, try to enjoy it in case I really still was and the blood was coincidental. We researched blood at 5 weeks and our conclusions told us we basically had a 50/50 chance of being pregnant. It was really hard to remain hopeful when I was bleeding heavy enough to constitute using a tampon.
This bleeding was a lot different than a period. Like I mentioned earlier, there were "clumps" of blood. The cramps and flow weren't nearly as bad as a normal period. I tried to watch what kind of clumps I was passing to see if I could see the baby. Knowing now that I was experiencing a miscarriage, I know at some point I did see my baby. It was small, about the size of a blueberry with a small, wispy tail. It was red, similar to the clumps I had seen. I tried to get a close look without actually picking it up, but it was so small.
We continued to talk about the baby and tell people but there definitely was a sour tone about it, we weren't as enthusiastic as we once were. On Tuesday I was finally able to go see my doctor and get my blood drawn. He said that the bleeding could mean I had lost the baby or I could be totally fine. I had to take two blood tests to see how my pregnancy hormones were varying. They had to continue to increase or I was no longer pregnant.
Thursday I took my second blood test and they said I would hear back from them by Friday morning at the latest. No word from them came that day so Friday I went to work with my stomach in my throat. I called them around 11:00 am to see if the results had come in (they had, the doctor hadn't looked at them yet). Then around noon a nurse calls me to tell me I was no longer pregnant.
I rushed to tell Matt (we work together). We both cried and I knew I needed some time to grieve so I told my manager what happened and where he could find me.
In my moments alone, the biggest feeling I had was a deep desire to hold my baby. I called my mom, she never experienced any pregnancy loss, nor has any woman on her side of the family (that she knows of). It's funny how most people responded the same way, they were very sorry but had no idea what else to say.
Let me address part of what made dealing with this misscarriage so hard. My doctor could not take the time to call me and tell me the news. A nurse did it. I now had to Google what to expect after misscarrying. I had no one to tell me when to expect my next period, how my body would feel, when I should trying again. I really could have used someone to help me mentally adjust and I definitely did not want to make another flippen appointment just to receive this advice.
Now, having told everyone, Matt and I were taxed with having to untell everyone. Some people may say "then why did you tell everyone right away?" I love my baby. Even at 5 weeks old, my baby had a heart beat, it's body was growing, and every single life is precious, they all deserve to be recognized. Even though I really only knew my baby for a week, I am so glad to have known them and I cannot wait to see them in heaven.
That evening Matt and I were having to mentally grasp what happened and figure out what to do next. We did the only plausable thing to do in a situtation like this:
Build a tent fort!
In that tent we came to feel and experience grief like we had never experienced before. Neither of us has experienced the death of a loved one and we definitely didn't think that the first person in our family we would have to say goodbye to would be our child.
In moments like this I am so grateful I married Matt, he truly is my soul mate. I can't imagine going through this alone or with someone who didn't see me through to my heart.
Before we built the tent, we decided we wanted breakfast for dinner so I went to Broulim's to get waffles and orange juice while Matt got the living room ready. When I was leaving the store it was starting to really storm outside, like bad. A girl approached me and asked for a ride home, she lived in the Ivy and had to walk home from work at the CupBop. It was odd since I didn't know her but I said yes. She was sure a chatty girl, I mean holy cow. She asked me every which question about myself. I ended up telling her through her inquiries that I have been married for almost two years and don't have any kids yet. She then asked:
"Oh, so no plans for kids?"
I wish to address why this question is never ever something you should ask, ever. I literally found out earlier that very day that I had just lost my first baby. 1 in 8 women experience infertility. Early pregnancy loss occurs in 15-20% of all pregnancies. Not only that, but having a child and starting a family is an incredibly personal decision between the couple and God. Every time you ask someone "Hey so when you finally gonna have a kid (or more kids)?" creates so much unnecessary and unwelcome pressure. You have just reminded that person that they either cannot have a baby, have gained weight, have lost a baby, or that they don't even want kids and you know what, it is non of your business if they do or do not have plans for kids. They are a grown adult who has many responsibilities, dreams, goals, and limitations. I have been asked on numerous occassions and in many different ways if I was pregnant or planning on having kids or trying to have kids. It never ceases to amaze me that people think that's any of their gosh darn business.
We kept the tent up the whole weekend, sleeping in it, watching t.v., and grieving, with waffles.
Every day presents new challenges, sometimes I see a newborn or a pregnant lady or I just simply miss my child. Some days I cry, some days I don't. There have been many wonderful resources that have helped me keep a positive outlook;
1) My super supportive and truly amazing husband.
2) The wonderful support Matt and I received from our friends, family, and community. We couldn't ask for a better support system. This is one thing that makes me grateful we told everyone right away because then we had everyone there to get your back when you feel like giving up.
3) We would be no where without our Lord and Savior and the words He gives us through the mouth of His prophets and apostles. The Lord brings us down to raise us higher than we were before. We lost our child and soon after had the opportunity to hear the uplifting words of Conference.
Check out many wonderful talks given at the Conference here: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/sessions/2014/04?lang=eng
I'm still not sure what to expect physically, I could have a period any day now, we are still trying so there's that uncertainty. Our story is continuing to unfold and we are simply taking one day at a time. I hope that you found this informative, I simply spoke from the heart about our experience to help bring awareness to something so sensitive as pregnancy and infancy loss.
